| I could ask the darkness to hide me and the light around me to become night--but even in darkness I cannot hide from you. To you the night shines as bright as day. Darkness and light are the same to you. Psalm 139:11-12.
...
My mom asked me today why I act so immature when she knows I’m actually pretty mature and insightful. I don’t really know, actually. Maybe because I consider that side of me deeply reserved for those that can be trusted. Am I mature? I don’t know. I feel like I’ve lost a lot of maturity in the past few months, though really, we all strive to be more and more mature [at least most people do..]. Showing that I actually have a deeper side is a bit risky to me. On the one hand, I could gain more respect from people. But on the other hand..once the floodgates open, there’s no taking anything back. I have to draw the line somewhere, right?
Then again, I ask myself: why am I so determined to keep the floodgates closed? How long am I going to hide who I really am? How long am I going to lie to myself and the world? If I face the truth of how I feel, what I’m struggling through..without trying to water it down, without trying to make it seem less than it is, but facing it full on..would healing come faster?
I know quite a few people in my life are trustworthy. The question is not if they are trustworthy. The question is whether or not I’m willing to trust them. And usually, I choose not to. I keep a wall up, filtering through as little as I possibly can without exposing everything to its most raw and bare form. The fear of betrayal and abandonment runs deeper than the loneliness that I feel from not having the ability to really open up.
I’m told that I’ve become very exclusive in that I hide so much and don’t trust anyone. It’s a big deal for me to even admit to someone that I’m not really ok. But even then, usually when I’m telling someone, I can now very easily shut down my emotions and talk about what I’m going through while still holding the wall up. In that sense..it’s still lonely because I’m not allowing any emotional connection to take place and the way I’m talking becomes just..stating facts. Nothing more. Very few are allowed access to my emotional recesses [is that the right word? I don’t know].
For me, it’s easier to act immature. It’s easier to act like I’m really innocent and naive and ignorant. That way, expectations for me are lower. Those few people who know better..they’re enough, right? I don’t need to walk around wearing my heart on my sleeve.
|
| |
